Wanting & Willing
If he wanted to he would. If he wanted to. He WOULD. Right? Right.
We’ve all seen all the memes and heard the tales of the men who have seemingly moved mountains to make their girlfriends/wives/ happy and there is so much chatter about this concept amongst the dating population (across all age groups it would seem.) Women are all telling each other that ‘if he wanted to he would girl’ and encouraging their friends to move on if he’s not stepping up to the plate and or meeting expectations and not to stay where their needs aren’t being met. And I’m here for it honestly.
In the same vein that “he’s just not that into you” was running rampant through the dating world in the early 00’s, ‘If he wanted to he would’ has the same polarizing one size fits (most) approach to dating and relationships. One has to admit,it’s sort of hard to argue with as most of us have experienced examples of each, whether it was on one side or the other. Holding the hands of girlfriends as they realized he really wasn’t that into them and celebrating others when they experience someone who wants to and then does! It’s a wild paradox to stand between but it’s bound to happen.
And I want to hate it because it sounds so cliche but it’s also alarmingly true! Because if it wasn't, why are there so many examples of men wanting to do something and then doing whatever to make it so?
A few months ago I watched a video where a woman’s husband learned how to spray tan, got certified & bought a whole set up so she could get them done more consistently at home and not fret about fitting it into the budget or schedule. I’m sorry WUT? I recently read a Thread about a couple who went to see Tems for the girls birthday after he said he would get them tickets on their second date. Their SECOND date. He said he would and he DID. A friend has a boyfriend who surprised her with a vlogging camera and helped her set it up for her as well as lights when she mentioned she wanted to get more consistent. I just watched someone on IG share about the bookshelves her gentleman friend built for her. BUILT! From scratch! All because she happened to mention it.
So yeah, there seems to be some merit to the concept unlike those dating myths of the 90’s where two people in a toxic relationship end up together in the long run after years of being on again, off again (looking at you Carrie & Big), these are actually real life stories.
As someone who’s been dating post divorce I can honestly say I tend to agree with the philosophy mostly because I’ve seen and experienced it first hand AFTER experiencing the opposite. Someone who never did what they said they would and/ or didn’t bother to put any real effort into courtship and learning about me vs. being with someone who would just make it happen. An offhand mention of a favorite color and flower and suddenly those show up. Talking about going to see an exhibit or show and tickets are purchased, details sent with time and date. Waking up to text messages that read “Dinner reservations at 6pm. The show starts at 8:30pm.” and all I have to do is show up? Sign me up!! Meeting a Mr. Make It Happen is a bit of a culture shock, especially if you’ve ever dated a Mr. Might Occasionally Make a Small Effort if he feels like it.
It took me a while to feel like I actually deserved that type of treatment and to lean into it once it became a thing. Little Miss I Got It suddenly doesn’t have to have it and it’s disarming in the most magnificent way. It can rewire your brain chemistry easy.
Now, let me clarify, I’m not even talking about extreme examples of sending insane amounts of flowers/ lavish gifts (but those are nice too) , I mean things as simple as having a note in their phone that has all the favorite things they eat at specific restaurants/ take out spots, to knowing they only like specific types of flowers at home because of their allergies or having their favorite snacks on hand at your place to make it more comfortable for them . Really taking the time to learn and know your person and then doing things that you know would bring them joy. Effort is so fucking attractive!
That seems to be the biggest complaint/ concern from women is that the men have been lacking in effort and when we finally do experience that it’s refreshing AF and a helluva turn on. Sometimes you see someone with someone else and wonder how they got together, and more often than not it's because he wanted to, so he did and that’s what she needed.
That’s not to say that men shouldn’t expect the same treatment and from what I’ve experienced and seen amongst my girlfriends, when we want to, we do as well!
We make shit happen for our boo’s the same way we would want them to do for us because it all comes down to what we value in relationships. And a firm understanding of reciprocity. But for a lot of women, safety comes first - when we feel safe, we show up and show out because we know what we’re doing is being reciprocated so we’re happy to do so! When we want to, we will.
So yeah, I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this, baby girl, if he wanted to, he really would just do it.
It really is that simple. If he wants to , he WILL. And if he can't find a way he'll make one.
He would happily send you two dozen roses on a random Tuesday just to make you smile or drop you off and pick you up from the airport. He would make sure you have a shower cap & pouf when you stay at his place along with your favorite snacks. He would make the effort to let you know that you're important to him because really if he wanted to and he knew it would make you (his person) happy he would, and if he won’t, there is always someone else who will. I get it - it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that that man doesn’t like you the way you think and no amount of
Intellectualizing it is going to make it sting any less. He’s just not that into you. And that’s okay - it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with YOU - it’s just that he’s not the one for you. Sometimes it IS only just a crush and a passing limerence and that doesn’t mean it wasn’t or can’t be special. It just means it’s just for now and not for forever.